Tinker's Cuss
by Tomas the Betrayer
Summary: Each type of faerie deals with a specific aspect of Nature. So then what precisely are Tinker Faeries charged with? When she finds out, young Tinker Bell might have a word or two to say about that.
1. Chapter 1

And so it came to pass that in Pixie Hollow, the newborn faerie Bell was surprised and astounded to discover her calling was that of the Tinker Faeries, thus confirming herself from that point on as Tinker Bell. Filled with the rapture of her budding existence, the young sprite allowed her new comrades Bobble and Clank to begin her education into the grand and mysterious art of which she was now a part.

Who could guess that from such humble beginnings there would arise a faerie whose name would forever be known throughout Neverland and beyond?

* * *

Trundling along in their little mouse-drawn cart, the two chums gleefully extolled to their new charge all the widespread marvels that existed in her new home. To Tinker Bell's innocent eyes, there seemed to be nothing more fabulous and lovely than this paradise of rolling hills abundant with flowers, clear gurgling streams brimming with myriad life, and firm healthy trees that reached their heads up into a sky of the most dazzling cerulean hue. Here was nature at its most enriched peak, resplendent with the heaven-sent masterpieces of the world. And all this loveliness was owed in no small part to the magical beings that tended all of creation with their arts.

_Now I am a part of this splendid world,_ Tinker Bell thought proudly to herself. It was such a gleeful realization that she almost missed what her guides were pointing out to her.

"'Tis the birdsong that truly lifts one's heart in the morning, Miss Bell," Bobble proclaimed happily, his blue eyes brimming over with an exuberance made all the greater by his watery spectacles. "When ya hear them twitterin' and chirpin' outside yer window, ya'll think 'tis the finest sound that could ever be, and thank yer lucky stars to be wakin' up to them."

"Right you are, Bobble." The cheerful mountain of a faerie called Clank blew a strand of coal-black hair out of his face and beamed over at his friend. "When ah'm taking me first bath of the day, I sometimes get so caught up in their calling that the soap runs in me eyes, and I have to dunk me head under the water."

They proceeded in their conversation, but Tinker Bell found herself lost in the sights and sounds of Pixie Hollow once more. She was mesmerized by a vision of loveliness in the form of several blue-clad pixies coaxing a fountain up from a puddle, sending the diamond-faceted droplets out to form sparkling baubles of dew on the brightly-colored flower petals.

"What's caught yer eye, lassie?" Spying along her line of sight, Bobble grinned. "Ah, the Water Faeries. Aye, they're a sight to behold, are they not? Much good their element does us Tinkers at the end of the day. And the beginning, the middle…"

Tink caught a few of the words that followed, but for the most part her attention was diverted to where some rose-colored sprites were causing some of those very flowers to sprout from the earth, entwining their thorny limbs up to fashion a bower in which several birds were already alighting, lending their warbling voices to serenade the blooming of blossoms in shades of viridian, ruby, and rich butter.

"Mmm, smell that?" Hefty Clank drew air deep into his lungs, and let it out with a sigh that stirred the grasses along their path. "Those Flower Faeries have it rich, they do. I take pride in knowing that the Tinkers contribute to the flourishing of their fulsome beauties." He chuckled. "Fulsome, aye, that's poetic of me, what?"

Tinker Bell flashed him a warm smile, but found herself too enraptured to trust herself to speak. Small wonder, since zipping across the path there came a bevy of tiny angels in fuchsia garb, and in the wake of their passing trailed an obedient windstorm of seedlings, pollen, and dancing leaves. The friendly gale passed with its shepherds, causing their hair to rustle. All three of the Tinkers stopped to marvel at the heights reached by those high-flying daredevils.

After a time, Bobble gave a light flip of the reins, and their rodent steed padded off again. Craning her head back to watch the wind-walkers soar away into the distance, Tinker Bell clutched the edge of the cart excitedly, then turned around, features flushed and glowing.

"Oh, it's all so amazing!" she gushed. "I can't wait to begin making a contribution to all this!"

Her tutors exchanged happy glances, pleased at finding the pixie prodigy so animated by their words and surroundings.

"And we're eager to see what yer capable of, Miss Bell," the farsighted driver declared. "The magic glowed so strongly back at the birthing, there be no doubt that yer name will become synonymous with shite!"

Tinker Bell laughed giddily, lacing her arms over the side of the walnut carriage and resting her head on them. Life had only just begun for her, and already she felt as if it had answered every hope and promise she might have ever dared to dream. The sheer splendor of the realm of faeries, coupled with all these lovable people she had met, caused the bubbly imp to feel that nothing could ever dampen her mo…

Something occurred to her.

Feeling a bit silly, the blonde beauty lifted her head and asked, "I'm sorry, Bobble, what did you say I'd be synonymous with?"

"Shite," he repeated, smiling pleasantly.

For several seconds, they continued on their way. Neither of the two veteran elves noticed the look of thoughtful deliberation that had settled over Tinker Bell's face. After a while, she gave a shake of her head, as if to settle things about, and leaned forward, certain that she must have misheard. No chance of that this time, she would be sure to pay close attention.

"Really, I am terribly, terribly sorry, but could you repeat that?"

Clank spoke up, a smile creasing his broad features. "He said 'shite', Miss Bell."

She looked back and forth between the pair, mouth hanging slightly open. Tinker Bell coughed daintily, then hopped up to sit beside Bobble. Her flame-haired friend colored slightly at their close proximity, but gave no other sign of discomfort.

She, however, was sending out a host of disturbed signals to anyone with the wits to see them.

Neither of the two Tinkers picked up on it.

Tinker Bell cleared her throat. "Now, when you… when you say 'shite', you mean…?"

"Dung," Clank spoke up proudly. "We Tinker Faeries are charged with the removal and disposal of all the dung in Nature!"

"Dung," she repeated.

"Aye, y'know. Feces," Bobble adjusted his surface-tension spectacles. "Droppings, pellets, manure, cowpies, fertilizer, waste, excrement, scat, er, turds, dumps, poopie, ummm, Number 2, pooh, ahhhh, refuse, crap, lessee here, what else…"

Clank chimed in. "Dung."

"_You already SAID DUNG, Clank!" _Tink fairly screamed, immediately feeling a bit ashamed at the surprise this outburst evoked in her lumbering cohort. Striving to get a handle on this unexpected development, the flabbergasted faerie tried to put her fears into expression. "Are you…?"

That first time her words died out before they could be spoken. The mismatched duo watched her with some concern, sending shrugs and confused shakes of their heads at one another. Eventually, though, Tinker Bell managed to subdue her understandable feelings of shock and dismay enough to get the next sentence out.

"Are you telling me…" she whispered, voice building in strength and volume, "that _I just became A __**SHIT FAIRY?!!!"**_

_To be continued…_


	2. Chapter 2

"HEADS UP!"

The familiar call rang out, and several Tinkers ducked their heads and ran for cover as a foul-smelling mound of offal shot over the lip of the ditch they were all working in to land with a mushy thud on the ground. As soon as it settled, like a colony of busy worker ants the fairy janitors descended and set to work with shovels, scoops, and a variety of unique mechanical inventions.

Five feet away, on a raised mound of mud and other things best left unmentioned, Tinker Bell stood watching all this with a distasteful expression, before returning to digging with her own shovel.

True to form, Bobble felt the need to wax poetical on it.

"Ah, the first cow pie of the day!" he announced, breathing deeply before turning the crank on one of his own machines. "So fresh and sweet, the promise o' rich savory fertilizer for all them lovely flowers up the way. Ah tell ya, there's nothin' more satisfyin' than doin' a job you love!"

His flaxen-haired field hand shot him a venomous look, but in spite of being able to count the hairs on a flea's back with his goggles, Bobble failed to notice it. Sitting on the stool of his wheeled ditch-digger, elevated slightly above the floor of their filthy environment, the foreman of this site continued to speak upon his favorite topic.

"Ah don' know how the other Faeries can remain so uninformed of the basic methods of our craft. When I asked the Flower Faeries which grade shite they'd prefer fer this year's daisy crop, ya know what they said ta me? 'Wha's the difference?' I tell ya, there's a great deal o' willful ign'rance amongst the rest of the clans in regards ta our endeavors!"

"I know watcha mean, Bobble, old chum," Clank spoke up from a foot away, one arm inserted up to the elbow inside the rear of a constipated caterpillar. "Just the other day, Vidia asked me if ah knew the reason all Tinker Faeries' eyes were brown. Ah was a bit puzzled, since you an' Miss Bell dunna have brown eyes, and I was just trying to explain that to her, but she just said something about how we was 'full of it'. Couldn't quite discern what she meant by that, but the other Wind Faeries seemed tickled by somethin'."

Tinker Bell's face had gone purple by this point, but she was too busy choking on her own rage (along with Vidia's imagined throat) to insert an opinion to the conversation. So the disparate duo continued on their course.

Bobble spun a dial, flipped a switch, and waited as his little wood and grass trolley vomited a load of dung into the ever-growing pile rising behind him. "And at the annual procession celebratin' all the bounties of Nature, none o' the others seem to understand that our duties don't end even then! Why, we have ta stay on our toes cleanin' up after the mouse circus, and sweepin' up the beetle stables, not to mention lightin' the lamps with carbon monoxide gas fresh from the cow's rump! The duties of a Tinker Fairie never end!"

Clank was now in it up to his armpit, but he still managed to keep a pleasant smile on his face. "Tis' a fine thing to watch all their smiling happy faces during the procession. All of Pixie Hollow seems to be enjoying themselves." He gave a twist of the wrist, and seemed to grow thoughtful for a moment. "Though sometimes I have to wonder what it must be like to actually be up in the trees watching the parade go by, and not down in the trenches, so to speak."

"All part of the job, Clank, ol' chum," the spindly sprite offered gregariously. "The role of the Tinkers is a noble one, granted exclusively to us by her Royal Highness Queen Clarion. It's only due to our tireless efforts that the harmonious cycle of nature can continue to function at its glorious peak, swept along by the fairies most respectful and best suited for this sublimely splendid profession. We are suitably honored to be entrusted…"

"THAT'S… IT!"

Tinker Bell had flung down her spade, and stood with feet planted and shoulders shaking.

"I am so _sick_ of hearing about the _fabulous fragrance of feces_, and the _marvelous majesty of manure_, and the _sagacious splendor of shite!_ What in the name of Mother Nature is WRONG with you people? Can't you see that we're treated exactly like the very same thing we're all up to our ankles in?"

"Rubber work boots?" Clank rumbled reflectively.

"NO!"

Her voice was at an octave usually only heard in falcons diving for the kill. Somewhat taken aback by this outburst from the usually taciturn yet lovely Tinker, Bobble cleared his throat and said, "Miss Bell, you dunna have to speak quite so loud. We're all quite able to hear…"

She whipped around to face him. "You can hear ME! But can you hear YOURSELF? I swear, I've never met such a bunch of jovial good-natured unthinking DOORMATS! You sing the praises of this grunt work like it's some song they all teach you when you get your first pair of rubber gloves and nose plugs! You talk like we're part of some respected collective of equivalent workers, when the truth is we're just the guys charged with cleaning up all the crap that comes out of the rear ends of everything that crawls, swims, and flies in nature!"

Bobble's enlarged eyeballs seemed to be brimming over with confusion. "Miss Bell, I've never heard ya speak like this before! It's true, our branch of the elements doesn't receive quite as much fanfare as all the rest, but if ya consider the benefits our work affords…"

"BENEFITS?" the irate imp shrieked. "What benefits? Are you honestly telling me that you wake up every day looking forward to having to take eighteen baths in one twenty-four hour period? Or having to burn your clothes at the end of the work day? Or diving for cover every time somebody yells…!"

"HEADS UP!"

Another rolling round ball of waste cannoned over the edge of the ditch and landed not a foot away from their position. As it settled, Bell, Bobble, and Clank peered over the edge of the rise they had all taken cover behind, the latter with his hand still up a caterpillar's rectum.

"Listen, Miss Bell, I think I know where all this be comin' from," Bobble began, taking off his glasses and breathing on them. "Yer frustrated artistically since none of yer implements have worked out quite the way ya imagined. But like Fairy Mary be tellin' ya, tomorrow's another day! There always be somethin' to look forward to in Pixie Hollow!"

Tink spun away from him, shutting her eyes and gritting her teeth. "Thank you for a repeat of what I get every day from Miss Never-Met-A-Pie-She-Didn't-Like, Bobble! Maybe the baby who laughed me into existence did it in a cesspit, but that still doesn't qualify me to be an expert on it! You'll forgive me if I don't wake up all energized and sparkling at the thought of having to spend half my day _heaving up my guts from the smell_, and the _other_ half figuring out new ways to cart around…!"

Right then a small brown pellet shot through the air and hit her right in the eyes, completely encasing the top of Tinker Bell's head in a soft fragrant helmet.

Bobble stood with mouth agape.

Tink did not make a move. She remained in the same rigid position, mouth half-opened, one finger pointing up at the sky. Every now and then, a shiver ran through her body.

Clank had a horrified look on his face, both hands now free.

"Um, er… sorry…Miss… Bell," he whispered awkwardly. "I was… busy listening to ya, and I… forgot to shout… 'heads up'! Are you…?" He took an anxious step forward. "Are you all right… Miss Bell?"

For a moment, nothing more was said.

Then Tinker Bell threw back her head and screamed.

"_**SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE!**_"

* * *

"Every blessed day, it's the same deal," Tinker Bell groused as she slammed her tray filled with flower petal cakes and nectar cups on the table. In front of her, the benevolent and friendly Water Fairie Silvermist took a seat across the wooden plank, a worried smile on her face. The table they were at was the farthest removed from the rest of the dining Sidhe, and the necessity for this was doing nothing to improve her comrade's mood. "Break of dawn, I go to work cleaning up animal and insect shit of every shape, size and color. Then at noon we all get together to swap shit stories and help each other with whatever shit-themed invention we're working on for that day! Once that's over, it's back to the shit mines, digging through shit, dodging shit, _grading shit_, even! And they're all so happy with it! It just boggles the mind!"

"Every part of nature has its nasty bits, Tink," the sable-haired pixie opined. "Not everything about water is clean and healthy, you know. Water Fairies have to deal with some pretty nasty pond scum from time to time."

"But you don't have to stick your _arms up in it_, do you?" the Tinker elf groused, shoving a honeysuckle tart into her mouth and chewing moodily. "No, you guys just get to wave your arms and command the water to throw off whatever's befouling it! Tinker Fairies can't even do that! Our talent is building stuff to compensate for the fact that we don't _have_ any shit-moving magic! What's up with that, anyway? How come everybody else gets to use pixie powers for their specialties, but we're stuck foraging for sticks and leaves like some peasants in a Medieval fiefdom?"

"Mudival what?" Silvermist tilted her head to one side, confused.

"Something I read about in the archives," Tinker Bell groused. "I read a lot in my free time. The history of the Clumsies is pretty interesting, really. A lot more than the tomes dealing with the history of the Tinkers, I tell you! Reading about the guy who figured out how to lasso flies and use them to haul elephant turds, or the sprite who discovered how to tell the difference between mule flop and donkey flop, or the eighteen-book compendium on various ways of building out of _shit_ when there's no other resources available! That one looked particularly riveting, I don't know how I ever passed it up!"

Some of the other fairies were looking over towards where they were sitting, and the blue-clad brunette gave them a reassuring wave before turning back around. "Maybe you just need to find something fun about it? Isn't there any part of being a Tinker you like?"

Bell had plunked one elbow down on the table, and dropped her chin onto it. Her eyes flickered over to the concerned look on her best friend's face, and the sincerity of that expression caused her embittered heart to soften somewhat.

"I've tried, Misty, believe me, I've honestly tried! There's just _nothing_ good about it! Everybody else benefits from us doing our job, but we just get the short end of the stick! I can't get any of the management to listen to my ideas on how to improve things, and all the other fairies treat us like dirt, when they're not going out of their way to avoid us."

A sad smile curved the other girl's lips. Bell caught her mistake and hastily amended her declaration. "Except for you, Misty. You've been super nice to me ever since I came here. It's good to know that I have somebody I can turn to."

"Tink," Silvermist leaned forward then. "Have you thought about talking with Queen Clarion? Maybe asking her to see about getting something else Tinker Fairies can do besides doodie duty? You're so clever, way more than me, and I've always thought some of your ideas for gadgets could make things ever so much easier for the rest of us. Couldn't the Tinker Fairies help out with the other elements whenever they get the chance?"

"What, just go up and ask the Queen of Pixie Hollow for an audience?" Tinker Bell blew a stray strand of hair out of her face. "I tell you, if things keep going the way they are, I might just have to. Right now, I don't want to think about what I do for a living. I've finally cleaned the shit out from under my nails, I've got good company," the picturesque fairy opposite smiled at the compliment, "and I've got a pile of sweets in front of me. Here, try this one, it's delicious!"

She offered a blueberry-bluebell mélange to her friend, and Silvermist waved it off politely.

"No thanks, Tink, I'm really not that hungry."

"But you always say that!" Tinker Bell pouted. "And it's your favorite color. C'mon, just one little nibble, what'll it hurt?" She held out the pastry again.

There was a worried look in the other pixie's face. "I'm just… watching what I eat. You go ahead, it looks delicious."

"And that's why I want to share it with you!" the sassy sprite insisted.

Silvermist's eyes were darting around rapidly. "If you wrap it up for me, I'll eat it when I get hungry, and…"

But Bell had had enough. "No more arguments, Pond Princess! EAT!"

She then shoved the confection into her playmate's open orifice.

"Tink, No! I can't BREA…!"

Her mouth filled up with cream and sweet flowers, and Silvermist sneezed.

A deluge of clear liquid erupted out of her nostrils, drenching the table and everything on it. Tinker Bell flew back, astounded. She stared at her teary-eyed comrade, who was coughing and shaking her head as she tried to clear her airways. Her first instinct was to rush forward and try to help.

Then suddenly, realization dawned.

"That's water, isn't it?" the aghast aerial spoke. "You_ plugged up your nose with WATER_!"

Silvermist was still coughing and spitting, trying to speak and failing, so Bell continued with her revelation.

"Oh my sweet Demeter, it all makes sense! That's why you always have your mouth open a little bit, and why you never eat anything around me! I thought it was strange, but I figured maybe Water Faeries only drink water or something! But you just don't want to have to _breathe through your nose whenever I'm around!"_

Her eyes were blazing, voice once more ascending to shrieking pitch, and at this point her congested comrade finally managed to find her own tongue

"I'm so sorry, Tink!" she pleaded hastily. "It's just I get so sick from the smell, you stink so bad even after I help you bathe but you don't seem to notice and I just wanted to be with you and…!"

"AhhhhhHHHHHHHHHH!"

Bell's wings were buzzing at a rate normally only seen in hummingbirds, and her face was so red and mottled she looked like a strawberry about to explode. The look in her eyes was something no pixy had ever seen before, outside of rabid beasts. At this point, Silvermist's sense of self-preservation took over, and she shot out of the grove like a tiny blue bat-out-of-hell, trying to put as much distance as possible between her and Ground Zero.

When those raging eyes turned on the assembled company, they all had the exact same reaction, and proceeded to beat a hasty retreat. Winged sprites took off like a group of disturbed butterflies, until finally, only a tiny green furnace was left fuming in her solitary outrage.

* * *

"Excuse me, Queen Clarion?"

The ruler of the faeries looked up from her position atop a dandelion. "Ah, young Tinker Bell! How good to see you once again!"

"Yes." The towheaded technician dropped down beside her. "Thank you for making the time to see me, Your Majesty."

"I always have time for my subjects, Bell. Now, what is it that has you so distraught?"

"Well, you see, it's like this." She drew a deep breath, and bulled ahead. "I'm very grateful for the chance to be a fairy, and Pixie Hollow really is a paradise. The people are… good, for the most part. My problem is… I'm trying to find my place and… I just don't feel… comfortable… as a Tinker Faerie."

Pixie Hollow's sovereign rose up to hover on golden gossamer wings. "My dear, your own innate magic called out to the mark of your calling. You are a Tinker, despite any doubts you might have. And I am certain that once you are given some time to adjust, you will display that extraordinary talent we all know is waiting deep inside you."

She seemed about to drift off then, and Tink had to scramble to keep up.

"It's not that I doubt myself as a Tinker Fairie, Your Highness, so much as that I have issues with what Tinker Fairies do!"

"Do?" Clarion turned to regard her curiously. "Whatever do you mean?"

"Well… you know." The plaintiff twisted her fingers, lowering her eyes demurely. "Their… duty… to handle all of the…" Sweet Sylvan Swamps, is she really going to make me say it? Casting a quick glance up at her queen, Tink was dismayed at the look of earnest inquiry on the older fairy's face. Yes, it seems she really is. "It's the shite, okay? It's the shite."

Clarion's luminous orbs blinked in surprise, and then she smiled warmly. "But Tinker Bell, shite is a natural and normal part of nature. The role of the Tinkers is a noble one, granted exclusively to them. It is only due to your tireless efforts that the harmonious cycle of nature can continue to function at its glorious peak, swept along by the fairies most respectful and best suited for this sublimely splendid profession. You should be honored to be entrusted…"

"I KNOW, OKAY? I KNOW! SHITE IS BEAUTIFUL, SHITE IS NATURAL, I GOT IT, I'VE HEARD THE SHPIEL ABOUT A HUNDRED TIMES NOW, OKAY? What I'm trying to explain to you is that I don't WANT to be a SHIT FAIRY!" The frayed cord of her nerves had snapped once again, and try as she might Tinker Bell could not stop herself from talking. "I want to do something OTHER than hauling shit around, okay? Paint the colors on flowers, collect pollen, ANYTHING! Anything that doesn't involve me feeling shit squeezing between my toes and getting in my hair! Do you know what that FEELS like? No, of course not, you were never a Shit Fairy, were you? You were a Wind Fairy, or a Dream Fairy, or something respected and decent like that!"

Queen Clarion's face now wore a look of imperturbable patience. She seemed willing to let the young fairy get everything out of her system before speaking again.

"I want to know what it is about Tinkers that makes it seem so natural that we have to be charged with scraping all the crap off the face of the world! What is it that causes that stupid tomahawk to glow at the choosing ceremony, anyway? Is it the _lack_ of magic, is that it? We're born lacking any specific sorcery, so we get stuck with the shittiest job in the fairy kingdom? Come on, I could build a machine to haul water around, or make the wind blow! I could prove to everybody just what I can do, if you just give me a chance at doing something OTHER THAN THE SHIT!"

Panting, she drew to a halt, and then, seemingly recalling the topic of manners, added, "_PLEASE!_"

And the magical empress smiled.

"Tinker Bell, I am very glad you felt comfortable enough to come to me with this problem. You're clearly upset, but if you simply look deep within yourself, I'm positive that the truth about your talents will come to the fore. For now, stay with the Tinkers, and continue to make us proud with your wondrous work. In time, you will definitely find your true calling."

Her voice was calm, and reassuring, and it was making a muscle twitch in Tink's eyelid.

"Listen to me, you overblown lightning bug's ASS! I am NOT going to haul SHIT for the rest of eternity! Do you have any idea who I am? I'm TINKERBELL! I'm FAMOUS, I'm a STAR, I'm every little girl's FANTASY, DO YOU HEAR ME? I'm what people THINK ABOUT when they hear the word 'FAIRY'! Who the hell are you to tell me my place is in the midden heap, huh? You talk to anybody out there, and see whether they'll recognize your name or mine! 'Queen Whozzat?' I am the STAR of this show, do you hear me? Ferchrist's sake, is YOUR name in the title of this flick? You think the sequel's gonna be called, "Queen Clarion and the Lost Treasure?" My ASS! It's gonna be ME!"

Halfway through this rant, a pair of burly fairy guards appeared to each take the raging maniac by an arm and haul her out of the royal presence. Clarion turned away and appeared to give her undivided attention to inspecting the sheen on a Japanese beetle. Seeing herself so snubbed did nothing to improve the howling Tinker's mood, as you can imagine.

"DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME, YOU CROWNED ASS-CLOWN! YOU THINK THIS IS OVER? 'CUZ IT AIN'T! I AM GONNA BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND! BEFORE ALL THIS IS OVER, YOU'RE GONNA BE SMELLING MY FIST UP THAT DAINTY NOSE! AND WHEN I PLANT MY FOOT IN YOUR ROYAL ASS, IT'LL BE THE SWEETEST SHIT MY BOOT'S EVER ENCOUNTERED, AND ALL THE SWEETER SINCE IT'S GONNA BE THE LAST! THIS… ISN'T…**OVER!**"

* * *

The guards dumped her in the Tinker's dung heap. A few minutes later, Bobble and Clank timidly came over to see how their ally was doing.

"Miss Bell?"

At this, Tinker Bell sat up straight.

She looked over at the skinny one, then the fat one, and was pleased at how they quailed before the look on her face.

"Boys," the gorgeous elf grinned, eyes glowing eerily in the post-dawn dark, "We are going to revolutionize this dump."

_To be continued…_


	3. Chapter 3

In a subterranean compound almost a full foot underground, a hush fell over the milling crowd as the speaker took her position at the podium.

"My comrades!" she proclaimed. "Tell me! Who are we?"

"_TINKERS!_" they proclaimed in ragged unison.

As the shout reverberated through the cavern, a banner fell behind their leader. Emblazoned on the green canvas was the image of a shit-encrusted fist clutching a bloody tomahawk. With that and their accolades, Tinkerbelle took control of the meeting in full.

"For too long, we have slaved under the yoke of tyranny!" she proclaimed, making impassioned sweeps of her arm as she proselytized to her adoring followers. "The nobility looks down upon us as inferior to them, and so they take advantage of us grievously. Filling our days and nights with lulling litanies of subservience and duty, designed to prevent us from recognizing our own inborn talents! They ask us to clean up their slop, and do so with a contented smile, all the while mocking and deriding us, not just to our backs, but openly in all the corners of Pixie Hollow! We, the proletariat, ask only for the equality and respect granted to all members of our race! But do they recognize our worth?"

"_NO!_" they bellowed.

"NO!" Tink slammed a fist down on her mushroom soapbox. "Instead they demean us with their sweet words, telling us to 'be ourselves', 'find what makes us special', and 'listen to our hearts'! What do they take us for, some kind of _retarded infants?_"

"YES!"

"_THAT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION, YOU FUCKING MORONS!"_

This last left the mob fidgeting and buzzing in consternation as they sought someone to explain when and how they should speak. With an effort, their leader mastered her understandable and perfectly natural frustration. Those at the front of the stadium, however, could see a vicious tic causing her left eyelid to blink erratically.

"If we continue to be spoon-fed these syrupy sweet catch-phrases, we are no better than a mob of dirty flies attracted to honey! A bunch of broken-down worker ants, mindlessly obeying the orders of a queen who sends us out to do her dirty work. Has Queen Clarion ever once stepped down into OUR fields to help us move a potty patty into the fertilizer fallows?"

Dead silence.

Arms upraised, Tinkerbelle's blazing blue eyes darted madly back and forth.

At the back of the hall, someone cleared their throat. "Well, er, I personally never saw, but one of my cousins said she once witnessed the Queen atop a mound of dung…"

"Was that your cousin Dandy Ruff?"

"I heard the same story…"

"He hasn't even told a story…!"

"I was there, that wasn't the queen, it was a golden moth."

"Oh, those are very rare!"

"I can spin straw into gold, you know."

"Aw, you are so full of shi…"

"**REEEEARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!"**

The sound system they had hooked up sent out several shrill pops and snaps, and the lights flickered badly as Tinkerbelle howled like a mad thing. This served to remind them why they were here again, and all good-hearted clamor died down. The aerial agitator's head snapped around the room, daring anyone with the guts to try and interrupt her speech again. When no one did, she continued in a voice that trembled slightly in time to her twitching fingers.

"If we are going to take our rightful place as beings of magic, hope and dreams, then we are going to have to fight for our rights! The Tinkers must rise up, throw off the yoke of our oppressors, and smash the stagnant society that has kept us mired in filth. We will abolish the corrupt and decadent system of rule that serves only to keep itself feted and fat off the fruits of our labors! We, the Tinkers, the workers, will rise up in glorious revolution, and bring about a more perfect state in which equality, fraternity, and liberty will prevail!"

The spritely speaker thrust her fist into the air. "Liberty!"

"LIBERTY!" the Tinkers echoed back.

"Fraternity!"

"FRATERNITY!"

"Egalitarianism!"

"EAGLE TOR MARINE organism, wait, what… did you… I'm not sure… wasn't really listening… got a dictionary, anybody… should we start over…?"

Clank trundled up onstage at this point. Bell's fingers were digging into the luminescent fungus podium like knives, and her vision was turning red. He carefully pried her digits off the spongy soapbox, then picked her up bodily and carried the quivering sprite to stage left, where Bobble waited with a bag of ice and a biting stick indented with teeth marks for his leader's more insane frothing rages.

However, even when limned with a scarlet haze, Tinkerbelle's shrewd gaze picked out a figure peeling away from the rear of the congregation and absconding out the door.

When her bespectacled assistant offered the ice pack, she ignored it and made a curt gesture. "You two. Follow me."

* * *

Reflected in the tiny puddle, Queen Clarion's image looked very regal and aloof. "And how many would you say there were tonight?"

"Virtually all of them," Fairy Mary whispered, her jowls quivering with excitement at being able to address the royal person directly. The roly-poly overseer had never so much as dreamed of being granted such a prestigious role as Internal Affairs Liaison Officer, and it was still something of a dream come true. "They went along with whatever she said. What will we do, your Majesty?"

Clarion's eyes rolled languidly to one side. "The day I concern myself with the ramblings of a disturbed Tinker is the day I go to work in the shite fields myself. There seems no need for us to act at this time."

"But Highness," Mary swallowed a lump of fear at contradicting her liege lady, "there is more going on than just meetings. Tinkerbelle is having them working on designs that she keeps secret. I haven't been able to find out what they're building yet, but it all seems highly explosive to me. Perhaps a demonstration of your power and munificence would serve to placate some of the more reasonable members of my staff."

A weary sigh came then. "Well, if I must. We will arrange a small holiday for the workers, and send a treat to them, then. Nothing fancy, just a sweet corn mash cake, those are readily available from the island's Clumsy population. That should demonstrate their worth to us, and put a halt to all this talk of change and disturbance."

Fairy Mary was starting to sweat copiously from the dual risks she was courting at this time. "Forgive me, great Queen, but… I don't believe cake will be enough to…"

Jus then a green-shoed foot suddenly drove into the water, drenching Mary and dispelling the image of the ruler of Pixie Hollow.

Squealing and spluttering, the dutiful work-boss fell back on her ample rump. Looking up, her heart quailed in fear, as she found herself looking into the accusing stare of Tinkerbelle.

"How much did they pay you…" the blazing-eyed imp hissed, "… to betray your own people, _traitor?_"

"T-Tinkerbelle, you have it all wrong!" Mary gasped, desperately searching for anything to save herself. She knew full well what happened to those branded as traitors. "I was only… only _deceiving_ the Queen! Yes, that's right! I let her believe that I was spying on you, when actually I was feeding them false information!"

"And you know all about feeding, don't you, you bloated toad!"

Scrabbling backwards on all fours, the chubby cherub suddenly felt herself hoisted up into the air. A glance upwards brought a chunky Frankenstein's monster face into view, one named Clank. The brute stared down at her with wide, unblinking eyes. There was only the barest intelligence in that gaze, and not even a drop of sympathy. Mary's voice died out between pleading whispers.

Bell gave a curt nod of her head. "Take her to the Juicer," she said.

* * *

The Juicer.

Once it had been a mere Tinker contraption, used to squeeze the juices out of fruit. But now that the iron hand of Tinkerbelle held sway over their efforts, it had been converted into a more sinister purpose. Fairy Mary was hanging over the vat, tied hand and foot. From either side, two huge wooden discs were slowly pressing her between their flat surfaces, the grooved screws that attached to them turning in time to the bellows that were being worked by Clank. Standing observing this procedure, Bobble wore a seriously ill expression, while his mistress' face held not even the slightest trace of doubt.

The pressure was building, pain and discomfort intensifying with every moment, and Mary was clearly not handling it well.

"_Tinkerbelle, please forgive me! I was confused, but I know where my true place is now! I'll g-yAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"_

The twin slabs moved closer to one another, crushing the victim. Unable to move, her wings buzzed frantically, and a hideous strangling noise came from her throat.

Tinkerbelle stood watching silently, a queer glint in her eyes.

Mary managed to draw another breath. _"I'll tell you everything I know! Please stop! Whatever you want, I'll do it! Just tell me who to kill, you can count on me!"_

"Only if I wanted a hot fudge sundae dead, you fat disgrace to faeries everywhere." And the revolutionary chuckled at her witticism.

"_ERR-EEEEEEEE!"_

Bobble was fidgeting anxiously. "Eh… Miss Bell…"

Two crazy sapphires snapped over to glare at him. He swallowed and quickly amended his mistake. "I mean, Tinkerbelle. Are ye not goin' ta… ask her any questions?"

She watched him out of eyes bright with madness.

And smiled.

"No, I suppose not."

"_GRRBLLLAAAAAARRRGGHH!"_

The scrawny sprite's teeth were chattering, and not just from what was being done in this room. He had seen enough of that in the past few months. Instead, this dread arose from the horrific suspicion that this time, she really might take it all the way.

The two colleagues stared at one another, while the screams went on. Clank blithely continued to heave up and down on the bellows, long immured to the sounds of those being put to the screws.

"_huuOOOOOgrgle!"_

Bobble tried to speak once again, only to find that his mouth had gone dry. The lovely leprechaun continued to regard him, face glowing with a malicious glee. She looked savage and splendid all at the same time, radiating something other than pixie magic.

The tubby traitor was unable to draw in enough air anymore, and was reduced to gurgling horribly. Bobble shut his eyes resolutely. In his head, he was performing the calculations. Given the pressures involved, and taking into account the amount of insulating body fat, the point of no return would be ten seconds away. If it's not stopped by then…

Tinkerbelle watched his watery spectacles intensely.

9 seconds, he thought.

8.

7.

6.

Wait.

5.

I have to…

4.

Make her…

3.

_**POP!**_

Miscalculated, you did.

A torrent of blood and other fluids burst forth then. The crimson spray hit both Tinkerbelle and Bobble on the side of their faces turned towards that sickening sight. Neither of them moved, though the male fairy went an intense shade of pale. Seeing this, she took a step closer to him. The gangly gnome whimpered at her approach, but made no attempt to move. Reaching up, his dominating commander extended two fingers out until they made contact with his eponymous eyewear. At her touch, the water globes popped, and at that sound, Bobble's eyes sprang open.

Blue met blue, and she held him in her gaze like a snake hypnotizing a mouse. The nubile nymph's features were covered in blood. She looked gruesome. But gorgeous.

Her gore-stained lips parted.

"You've smelled worse than that, right, Bobble?"

Entranced by the sight of her, he could only nod.

And Tinkerbelle gave a satisfied smirk.

"We're going to have to accelerate our plans. The revolution begins at dawn. Clank, go out and spread the word."

The brute saluted smartly and strode from the abattoir, leaving his two comrades still staring into each others' eyes.

Tink cocked her head to one side, studying Bobble's slack mesmerized features. Then an impish grin split her face.

"Y'know something, Phineas? You've got really nice eyes."

Then she grabbed him by the hair, yanked the aghast engineer down, and planted a passionate and hungry kiss on his lips.

* * *

When her spy was abruptly cut off, Queen Clarion did not think much of the disturbance. She decided to sleep on it, valuing her rest over any lingering curiosity. Come the morning, though, the monarch of the four seasons remembered the truncated conversation whilst being served her 12-course breakfast, and dispatched a small squadron of the royal guard to ascertain her informant's condition. While she may be expendable, Fairy Mary had that marvelous combination of subservience and ambition that made for very dependable underlings, and such a thing was not to be lightly discarded.

The troop of soldiers reached the mud pit which housed the Tinker community well after dawn. Descending cautiously, they approached the nearest structure of twigs and leaves.

At a shout from one of his scouts, the captain in charge turned and looked up at the rim of the hollow.

To find himself facing a ring of tanks.

Without warning, the prodigious contraptions opened fire.

In a pinch, guano from bird and other animal droppings can be used to make gunpowder. Any fan of the old 'Transformers' cartoon can tell you that. Lacking access to any such medium, Tinkerbelle had simply cobbled together the formula from her readings into Clumsy history. With this under her belt, the resolved reformer swiftly graduated to firearms and explosives. After all, as we all know she was a very special fairy, with incredible inner talents. These gifts were put to good use in galvanizing her people to construct her engines of war.

Tanks were just the beginning. After the scouting party was wiped out, birds of all kinds laden with bombs swept towards the palace. Members of the nobility more vigilant than their Queen noticed this coming, and immediately deployed the royal army. Ascending into the air with their swords and shields, these stalwart defenders of the current order were met with a flotilla of anti-aircraft shells fired by the gun-Howitzers that the Tinkers had spent so many weeks laboring over. Armed with methane gas-powered flamethrowers, the ground forces of the Tinker Revolution made swift work of any enemy unfortunate enough to survive the fall back to earth.

The aerial bombardment was the first wave. Once the castle's defenses were softened up, the ground forces moved in. Tanks whose furnaces were fueled by dried dung swept across the landscape, laying waste to any opposition. Observing this conflict, certain specific fairies hand-picked by Tinkerbelle, such as Silvermist of the Water Fairies and Fawn of the Animal Faeries, managed to convince their corresponding clans not to be drawn into the war, instead serving to hold back and thereby minimize their own losses. When no aid from the rest of Pixie Hollow was forthcoming, the royal family pulled back all their personal forces to the palace. A siege then began that lasted three whole days. Weapons never before seen in Neverland were brought to play by the dynamic and technologically advanced Tinkers. Of course, the royals had great fairy magic on their side. But as any devout reader of fantasy can tell you, when good sweet beautiful sorcery squares off against cold heartless steel technology, magic gets its ass handed to it every time. It's more tragic that way.

So. In the end, the palace was breached. A last-ditch attempt to spirit the Queen to safety failed, and Clarion was captured along with the rest of her noble seasonal cohorts.

On the morning of the fourth day, the leader of the revolution took her place on the throne of Pixie Hollow.

* * *

A pair of Tinkers dressed in green fatigues shoved their former ruler roughly down the hall of what had once been her throne room. Stumbling, Clarion pitched forward. There came a disgusted laugh, and when she looked up, it was to see the blonde firebrand responsible for this disaster glaring down from atop her golden seat, one leg negligently thrown up over the arm of the chair.

Undaunted, former-Queen Clarion tried to put on a pleasant face.

"I'm so very pleased to see you again, Tinker Bell!"

A growl from the assembled throngs of Tinkers made the glamorous golden girl atop the throne wave her hand for silence. Standing, the guerrilla leader gazed scornfully down on her humbled adversary.

"I have cast off my slave name!" the nymph declared. "No longer shall Tinkers be automatically burdened with a surname betokening shame and degradation! Henceforth, I shall be known as Tinkerbelle!"

"TINKERBELLE!" her followers roared.

"What's the difference?" someone in back spoke up, only to be quickly hushed and smacked down for fear of reprisal. Tink had already noted the speaker, and resolved to punish them accordingly later. Before this, there were other debts to pay. In the time after the clamor died down, though, Clarion had found her voice again.

"Certainly, Tinkerbelle. I would be ever so happy to address you as such. I see that you took my advice and learned to appreciate what being a Tinker can offer you." An amused snort from the imp in question caused her cohorts to snicker most disturbingly, but the deposed despot pressed on regardless. "And I would be most glad to listen to any concerns you all might have in regards to your place in Nature. Together I am positive we can work out a solution that will lead to magnificent changes in my rule which will be of benefit to all. You've proven yourselves to be most industrious and remarkable subjects, ones whose talents will be put to good use in ways not involving shite, and…"

"NEVER SAY THAT WORD TO ME, YOU INBRED LEECH!" Tinkerbelle rose into the air, wings awhirl, a look of furious hatred causing her face to become red and quite unseemly, in Clarion's opinion.

"Please forgive my thoughtlessness, Tinkerbelle. I did not mean to bring up old wounds from the past. It is the future we all must look forward to now! And I am sure that if you would only look deep into your heart, you will find…"

A fist whose fragrance was still faintly of feces crashed into Clarion's mouth. When she fell backwards, Tinkerbelle's foot then collided solidly with her ass, and after this, she only lay there, stunned.

"Clarion."

The lack of a title caused the intended recipient to look around herself, apparently in search of another fairy bearing the same name as their monarch. When no other person stood out, it finally dawned upon her that it was she to whom Tinkerbelle had been speaking. The idea left her absolutely speechless.

The same could not be said for her vanquisher.

Smiling sweetly, the emerald-clad agitator settled back down before her tumbled sovereign. "Oh, Clarion. Clarion, Clarion, Clarion. Even at the end, you just can't help spouting off all that thoughtless nonsense that has served you so well before. And ultimately, you were right. When I really looked deep inside, I did find what made me special. I had lots of ideas, after all. It's just none of them were very well suited for the tasks you had me running around doing. But as you can see, they work quite well when applied to martial purposes. But there is one in particular I designed especially for you. If you'll come over to the window, I think you'll have no trouble seeing it down in the courtyard."

At a gesture from their supreme leader, two husky Tinkers hoisted the gobsmacked royal in between them and followed Tinkerbelle over to the window. There she pointed down, and Clarion's vacant eyes took in the sight of a strange contraption surrounded by a small buzzing mob. The ministers of Spring, Autumn, Winter and Summer were already down there, penned up along with some of her more ardent regal kin. But none of that served to explain what this scene might portend, and that confusion was evident in the look she turned back on the smiling viridian wisp before her.

"It's my pride and joy, Clarion. And you're going to be the first person I test it on."

The pixie's voice when she spoke next held a note of vicious humor.

"I call it the 'guillotine'."

Clearly the word held no meaning for the dumbfounded prisoner at her feet. But when the two attendants picked her up again and flew the tumbled tyrant right out the window, she seemed to have gathered the gist of it. Pixie Hollow's overthrown overlord began to bite and scratch at her captors. But they gave no sign of being put off by their assigned task, and arriving at the heavy-bladed instrument of execution, strapped her to the rolling plank and without fanfare proceeded to summarily behead Queen Clarion.

Tinkerbelle observed all this from the palace window. She watched her avowed enemy's head roll around in the filth. Instead of continuing to enjoy the proceeding spectacle involving the rest of the faerie nobility, the new ruler of Pixie Hollow set about rewarding those who had helped along her ambitions and punishing the ones she felt were most responsible for her previous life being a terrible mess.

This took several hours, and they had to clean off the guillotine blade quite a few times. To prevent the flies from getting too obnoxious.

* * *

Tinkerbelle wiped a bead of sweat off her brow and stifled a yawn, leaning back on her throne. "That will be all for today, Captain Clank."

Her burly bodyguard stepped forth and directed a menacing look at the crowd of supplicants. " 'Er Smartness says there'll be no more petitions for today. All's you lot need to clear the throne room now." Using his tremendous bulk and exceedingly threatening visage, the enforcer then drove the mob out the doors and shut them behind him, taking up his place before the portals to prevent anyone from disturbing his mistress.

Only one person remained in attendance upon the First Citizen, as she was now known. Clad only in a skimpy leaf loincloth that would have been too embarrassing even for Adam and Eve, Bobble continued to wave a large palm-frond fan over his exalted leader's head. His bare chest gleamed with oil, the sinewy frame glistening with every movement he made, which did not go unnoticed by his observant comrade.

"Well, Tinkerbelle," he began. "Ah hope yer satisfied with all ye've accomplished these past few weeks."

"It has been quite an adventure, hasn't it, lover?" In spite of wearing water contact lenses now, Bobble still failed to notice the predatory look that had come into his mistress' eyes as she watched him continue to manfully perform his duties. Still dressed only in her tight-fitting green tunic, she eyed him appraisingly.

"Hoh, yes indeed. The o'ter Faerie clans seem quite pleased with how ye be running things. Ah've never known Pixie Hollow to function wi' such spunk and fortitude before! Now that all the executions be a thing of the past, folks're more willin' to flutter about once more. The fugitive Vidia still be at large, but ah would'na be lettin' that trouble ye none. All in all, ye be doin' a splendid job."

"I'm glad to hear you think so, Bobble." Her voice had a rumbling thrum to its timbre. He continued on, blithely unaware of anything not rated G in their conversation.

"Be there anytin' else ye'll be wantin' from me at this time, ma'am? Cuz ah thought ah'd go see to the dismantlin' of the armament afore the light starts to…"

At this point a small green flag of sorts sailed through the air and flopped over his chestnut locks. Pulling it off, Bobble stared at the garment perplexedly for a moment. He raised his head, about to question where it might have come from, to be confronted by the sight of a naked Tinkerbelle draped seductively over the queen's throne, her salacious heaving bosom dripping with sweat.

An instant later, the two of them pounced on each other.

Outside the room, Clank was now speaking affably to a tiny group composed of Silvermist, Fawn, and Rosetta.

"Oh, to be sure," he informed them. "There's always something that needs being mended or improved in the world. That's where a Tinker's true talents lie. We notice problems, and then we fix 'em right up, we do."

The party of pretty pixies giggled, and he was just about to go into greater detail, when a shout from behind his back broke in.

"_Ye-ES, sweet SYLvan SWAMPS! Ride me, you mighty stallion! Stick your great clapper up inside that Bell and RING IT for all it's worth!"_

Clank's audience peered curiously over his broad shoulder.

"What are they doing in there?" Silvermist wondered aloud.

Fawn, whose cheeks were turning red, looked at her friend and quickly supplied, "Animal husbandry."

"Ohhh." The explanation didn't do much to alleviate her curiosity, but the affable fairy felt certain a quick visit to her babbling brook would clear up any lingering confusion. As she was deciding upon this, a pair of voices now rose in raucous uproar.

"_Blessed Demeter, yer like a machine, Bell! A wonderful, magical, smoothly running instrument of torrid passionate rapturous eroticism!"_

"_God, I LOVE IT when you talk all wordy and technical like that, you sleek unmatched falcon of a fairy! Say something more!"_

"_Yer skin glows like a burnished walnut shell, n' ye taste divine!_

"_Go for it, Tinker! Take your giant shovel and go digging around in that hole back there! It's the nastiest shite you'll ever come across in your life, you dirty little SHIT FAIRY!"_

"_Oh mercy, say it aGAIN!"_

"_SHIT FAIRY!"_

"Excuse me," Rosetta fluttered up, "I think I'd better leave before I'm no longer fit to appear in these flicks."

"Good idea," Fawn agreed, and catching Silvermist by the hand, the pixie trio sped away from that voluble and vocal love-making.

* * *

And so it passed that Tinkerbelle found a way to let her inner talents blossom for all to see, thereby securing her place in Faerie history. Now free to go wherever she pleased, eventually she would come across a newborn baby, and choose to bear it back to Neverland, where under her care, it would grow to be one of the single most vicious, bloodthirsty, thoughtless, egomaniacal, contemptible, empty-headed, repulsive, selfish, dangerous, and mean little shits to ever stick a knife in somebody's ribs.

Maybe if she'd actually cleaned his diapers when he was little?

At this suggestion, Tinkerbelle looks up and scowls.

"Eat shite and DIE, you walking shit factory!"

But that is a story for another day.

_**FIN.**_


End file.
